The One Where I Suck At This Christian Thing…

Last weekend was our second anniversary. Yes. It’s been two years since everything that went down in Prologue, went down. I tell you this because last week I also had a conversation with my friend about how bad I am at this Christian thing.

Our (Jesus and mines) two year anniversary gave me lots of time to think about and reevaluate our relationship and I can’t say I’m where I thought I would be two years ago. Two years ago I thought I would have this thing down pat. I thought I would pray and spend time with God everyday without fail, I thought I would be more spiritual, I thought I would do more of the stuff I ought to do for Jesus and none of the stuff He’s told me not to do. I thought I would look more like Him – I thought this walk would get easier. And it hasn’t! It really hasn’t! Sure I’ve learned great lessons, learned to trust God more and been through situations that have brought us closer together but every time I think I’ve finally got this Christian thing down, I do something or make a mistake that makes me realize I have not arrived at all. Honestly, I think I thought my Christian journey would be like my natural hair journey which I, coincidentally, started around the same time and is arguably going better, although it’s in desperate need of a cut (there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. Something about haircuts and pruned branches…)

And so I shared all this with my friend during the week approaching our anniversary and she told me that she had recently decided to quit this Christian thing. LOL. I lol because it was liberating to tell someone who understood my life choices and was going through the same thing. Side note: I think this is what Paul meant when he said to share your burdens with others. Anyway, Joy (love you!) gave me some great encouragement that she also shared on her blog, The Perfect Piece, and instead of repeating it I’ll just let you read it here.

Whilst it was definitely great to share with my friend, it wasn’t until I heard someone so perfectly describe my attitude toward my relationships with Jesus that I understood why I suck at being a Christian. I went to a conference on Thursday night and the speaker, Chip Ingram, explained the cyclical nature of our walk with God. We typically go through some situation or phase of life that brings us close to God, we spend more time with Him and we’re more focused on Him because we’re in desperate need of supernatural help. Then things get better, we start to ignore God and then we get into a rut where we realise we’re not doing the Jesus thing so well. Then another crisis arises, we discover our desperate need for God once again and thus begins another rotation of the cycle.

I was like, “Oh my gosh, how did you know, this is sooo me?!!!” Well, apparently it’s me and a bunch of Christians. But it’s not supposed to be like this. God has gone to great lengths (like sacrificing His only child) to be a part of my life but I’m too busy focusing on me to enjoy relationship with Him. The reason we go through this “love-ignore” cycle is because we forget we need God. We only cry for help when we can no longer handle what we thought we were handling and this come from pride. I have pride and trust issues. I think I can do this life without God’s input and I may trust God to save me from the trials of life but I don’t trust Him enough to save me from me.

David said that God does not despise a broken spirit and a contrite heart. And he was right. 

Going through the motions doesn’t please you,

   a flawless performance is nothing to you.

I learned God-worship

   when my pride was shattered.

Heart-shattered lives ready for love

   don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.

– Psalm 51 16-17

A broken spirit is the opposite of pride. It acknowledges that we need God in even the tiniest situations, that we can’t do anything without Him and we’re totally dependent on Him. Great. Now that I know what one looks like, I can get one. No sarcasm intended. I’m not being too hard on myself, neither am I belittling myself or taking the false humility route. I’m taking a long look in the mirror and dealing myself a dose of reality.

This Christian thing is harrrrd. And I don’t think it gets easier. But Jesus didn’t promise it would be easy. He did, however, show me how to persevere on this tough and narrow road and He did promise to never forsake me. If there’s one thing that I’ve taken away from these past two years, it’s being honest with God. Telling him I’m not perfect and I’m not doing this thing well but asking Him to please not give up on me. It’s thinking of myself less, being less prideful and getting back up when I fall. It’s focusing on the “Jesus” and not the “I suck”.